I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?