The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.