I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.