If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that