Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Put the is in disheveled
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped