Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down