Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
this FaceApp is creepy af