Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar