Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
What personal space?
My dog
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?