If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
You Might Also Like
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Current mood: Potato
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA