@Jake_Vig

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

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@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

@OakHill_

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

@3sunzzz

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

@briangaar

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac