I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.