mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell