[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Mad Max: Furry Road
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!