Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.