Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Left at a local drug store…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*