Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.