“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I think this should do it.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”