I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages