wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
pictures of spider-man
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Wikigenius
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.