Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
awesome draft from months ago i just found
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that