I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda