a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
no such thing as a dumb question
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent