I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”