People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
the red hot silly peppers
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️