As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Xylophonist Shredding It
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no