*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
You Might Also Like
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
CUTE CAT‼︎
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this