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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
good let them take over I have had enough
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*