did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud