did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.