Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
These aliens are taking forever.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.