My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
drew a comic about my origin story
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
why I oughta
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.