Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.
Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?