Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.