Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
japanese corn
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy