I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.