Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
You Might Also Like
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.