Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi