[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.