Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.