how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks