Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.