Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Florida man
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable