I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
🚲+physics = winner
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.