I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My first son he is wonderful
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings