I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now