Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Thinking about Jeff
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.