Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.