My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
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*pokes sex life with a stick
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
That’s enough internet for the day
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.