Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
synchronized noseblowing
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
lmao
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.