I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
i love modern commerce
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high