Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Put the is in disheveled

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.