I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”